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MPAA Sues Kanye West and and 50 Cent for Intellectual Property Infringement
by djlosch
The Meat Producers Association of American has filed suit against rapper extraordinaire Curtis James Jackson, "50 Cent", and hip-hop mogul, Kanye West in an Oklahoma federal court on Friday, alleging misappropriation of trademarks, copyright infringement, invasion of privacy, and possibly patent infringement.

..:: It's All About the Beef

The incident started when Jackson and West started arguing over which would have a bigger album release in September. The two have started an all-out verbal altercation over the release date. The latest in the argument has 50 Cent claiming that he'll quit the rap game if Kanye outsells him. In a press conference, West was quoted saying,
I don't know why 50 hates me so much. He just got this beef for me and I can't stand that guy.
Jackson responded later that evening in his own conference,
West started this beef. He wouldn't be anything without me, and now he's trying to put an album out on the same day as me.
West's publicist responded the next morning,
50 just wants to start some beef to sell some albums. He's copying 2Pac and Biggie. Kanye wants nothing to do with this. If they don't both watch it, they'll both be shot by some overzealous fans. I'm not sure if 50 can take getting shot again.
The MPAA's general counsel, Tim Dewey (also head partner of Dewey, Cheetum, & Howe, P.A.), stated in a press release
We're aggressively protecting our intellectual property. These two con artists are using our trademarks unlawfully. We're losing money in meat sales because of this misappropriation of our investments. We spend a lot of time and money promoting our product, and casting it in a good light, but these two hooligans associate one of our flagship products with fighting and anger. Neither has contacted us in regards to licensing our properties. Beef is what's for dinner -- not an argument that will ultimately end in rappers getting shot.

..:: Legal Basis

When asked about the legal basis for the lawsuit, Dewey responded,
We copyrighted the word "Beef" shortly after the Advanced Access Content System Licensing Administrator (AACS), the consortium behind the DRM for HD-DVD disks, claimed copyrights over a 32 character string of hexidecimal characters. We figured it would be a sound legal investment. If the AACS can claim copyrights to something that short, we figured we could copyright "Beef" to protect our own industry. In fact, you just heard me say the word "Beef". Under my copyright license terms, you're not allowed to say, write, transmit, or listen to the word without paying our licensing fee. You've heard me say the word "Beef" 3 times in the last 10 seconds. You now owe me $.51 cents. Pay up.
Jackson's attorney responded, saying,
It's absurd that someone can think they can copyright "Beef". It's four characters. Actually it's three characters. One is used twice. This lawsuit is baseless. We're going to counter-sue them for all their cows. And if that doesn't cover our legal costs, we're going to take their pigs and chickens. And if that's not enough, we may take the Spam and beef jerky too. Hey Dewey, "BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF! BEEF!" You want the money? Sue me.
Dewey later added,
We've started a new campaign to aggressively protect our property. We're asking for punitive damages in this case. We've suffered intense damages amidst this misuse, and even our cows are going through extensive pain and suffering. We also intend to go after various congressmen for associating one of our flagship products with unwanted email that advertises penis enlargement, gambling, pornography, and debt consolidation. Spam is a canned meat product of the future, and no one needs a spam filter. Everyone should have more Spam in their home.
This news comes in the wake of U.S. companies aggressively pursuing enforcement of their intellectual property rights, like Apple getting sued for an LED in their chargers. When asked about possible patent protections, Dewey noted,
We may add a patent infringement claim to this lawsuit in the near future. Our application for "System and method of vocally projecting a word with a two consanents and two repeating vowels in between" is still pending, but our legal outlook seems positive. We just needed to get this lawsuit filed as soon as possible to stop the damage everyone is causing. For Christ's sakes, some of our cows' milk is curdling in their udders because of this misuse.

..:: Ramifications

Since the lawsuit has been filed, the two lyrical masterminds have attempted using different words -- some with less success than others. Kanye noted in a follow-up press conference,
Saying, "50 has got some major pasta with me now" just doesn't ring the same bell. I tried using "lettuce", "horseradish", and "beets", but my attorney said that a different MPAA, the Master Produce Association of America, would sue us too. And if I say pasta, what's to stop Italy from suing me? I just don't get it. Why can't a man just have another man's beef?
At the end of the press conference, Kanye waived a fist in the air and shouted out into the sea of microphones,
What do they expect us to do? Have fried chicken together? Racists! The MPAA hates black people!
Then, Kanye stormed out of the room. The chairman of the Electronic Frontier Foundation commented on the suit,
We intend to join in and help defend these two rappers. If they lose, the ramifications could be disastrous. Every time someone said something, they'd have to pay licensing fees. Merely just responding to your questioning would cost money. Then, the MPAA would have to make or join some sort of licensing association. It would obviously be based off of the sounds people make when exchanging words and ideas. They might call it something like SoundExchange or something similar. Then, SoundExchange would try and charge me 27 cents just for saying this, even if the people who owned various words weren't part of their association. Then SoundExchange might want to raise rates and silence people. They might use their licensing authority to get a Digital Rights Management chip installed in our brains. It would just be attached to your credit card. Every time you said something, the chip would just add a new fee to your card. Of course, just having this installed into your brain would require you to pay patent licensing fees too. This lawsuit is just a very bad thing for consumers in general.
Dewey responded to the chairman's comments,
We have property rights, and we must enforce them or lose them. This is just the way of the free market. Anyone who doesn't support strongly enforcing intellectual property rights supports terrorism and they want to destroy our nation's corn crops.
Tune into djlosch.com to get the latest updates on this breaking story.


[/satire]... because you really needed that at this point.

Post Last Updated: Aug 12, 2007 4:21 pm
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Comments
laughing @ it all wrote on Thursday, 16 August '07 - 2:06:12 PM -0400 [reply]
foolishness

dumb wrote on Friday, 5 October '07 - 2:23:03 PM -0400 [reply]
Straight up dumb people with nothing to do in their lives but to sue people for speaking. Freedom of Speach???? You cant put a price on words or can they. Miriam-Webster copyright everything and make a killing.

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